Monday, November 9, 2009

Culling the Gene Pool

My coworker Vinnie and I were returning back from the gym when he wanted to stop at the supermarket. I just thought he forgot to bring a lunch and followed him in.

He picked a sandwich and a drink then wanted to go to the “health and beauty” section. Once there he stopped in front of the condom display and looked perplexed.
“Hey Vinnie, you’re married and have four kids; what do you need these for?” I asked.“That’s it Ceij, I have four kids and my wife won’t let me near her without one of these” Vinnie replied.“Oh I see; well what’s the problem? Just pick one and lets go or we’ll be late to the meeting” I urged.“But these only have three per package” Vinnie protested.“Three? Damn that’s a ten-year supply for me!” I exclaimed. “It’s a shame you need to use those considering you are married and all. I am single and they are a necessity for me to carry when I date, just in case… but you’re married; you don’t have to worry about STDs! Isn’t there a better birth control method?”

Well Vinnie finally made up his mind and picked a couple of packages to “hold him over” until he could get the large discount box.


A week or so later Vinnie said he talked to his wife and she absolutely would not go on “the pill” and suggested he get a vasectomy.

Then Vinnie asked me
“Does it hurt?”
“How would I know Vinnie? I haven’t had a vasectomy, I’m single!”

Well Vinnie proceeded to ask nearly every male employee in the company in hopes he would find one that had a vasectomy and could reassure him that the procedure was painless.

A week later Vinnie told me he would be out the next day. I didn’t think anything of it; there are a lot of reasons for taking a personal day but Vinnie felt compelled to tell me that he was getting the vasectomy.

He seemed very apprehensive so I said:
“Relax Vinnie, they are professionals and do this all the time, besides it’s not like they are performing open heart surgery!”

Well the next day everyone in the office was talking about it. Vinnie just couldn’t keep this to himself and asked each and every male employee about it and now even the female employees knew about it. Apparently he asked a couple of married women if their husbands had the procedure.

Then Vinnie’s best friend at the company came to me and said:
“We really need to do something to him as a joke, can you make him a get well card?”

I said:
“The heck with that, I’ll make him a sympathy card and even print it out on card stock!”

So I stayed late after hours at the office and made a sympathy card that we all signed the next day. I even thought we should give him an award and print it out on the paper we give after customers pass one of our training courses.

When Vinnie returned to the office we had a cake waiting for him and presented him with the card and the award. Vinnie seemed upset with me and said:
“I thought I could trust you and you went and told everyone!”
“It wasn’t me Vinnie! You’re the one that asked everyone about the vasectomy and then told everyone how worried you were on the eve of your procedure!”

Well, I’ve always made jokes about vasectomies.
One day I was picking up my niece from daycare around the holidays and all the children were running around squealing and screaming in delight because they got presents.

I was standing next to a friend that was picking up his children as an attractive single mother trying to control her three children kept bending over so we could see the tattoo on her breast.

My friend asked me:
“So doesn’t seeing all this make you want to have your own children?”

Watching the frantic children and the mayhem I replied:
“Are you kidding? As soon as I get out of here I’m calling my doctor and scheduling a vasectomy!”

The single mother with the tattoo then walked up to me, handed me a slip of paper with her phone number and said:
“Call me after your operation…”

Maybe I should call Vinnie and ask him if it hurts! ;)

Front of the Sympathy Card (watermarked to protect my copyrights)

Inside of the Sympathy Card (watermarked to protect my copyrights)

The Award (last name removed for obvious reasons)

Text on the award:

"We present this award to you in appreciation for voluntarily removing yourself from the gene-pool. The Human Race, the Darwin Award Society, and your co-workers thank you!"